#3 Mitt Romney: “Funny How? I’m a clown..I amuse you?”

who let the dogs out?               Although this blog has put its considerable clout behind Barack Obama (Brrrrrrraack!) in his presidential bid, i was very happy to find out that it is possible that the funniest politician EVER may not be totally out of the picture just yet. Mitt Romney has been named as a possible running mate for John “McBain” McCain and I could not be happier. In the event of McGoo taking the White House, Mitt Romney could be back and in  primetime playing the role of Vice Prez. This man has brought laughter back to politics and can laughter ever be a bad thing? This jokester will have you rolling in the aisles two minutes into his bit. Just hearing him say “Jihad-ism” makes me chuckle. Watch Romney’s ad become a parody of itself.

As funny as he can be in TV spots, he is even funnier on the street just kickin’ it with his people. Like fellow funnyman Chris Rock, his sense of humour is somewhat diluted in the processed and canned world of Hollywood (eg. I Think I Love My Wife, Head of State) Nah, Mitt needs to feel that electricity in the air like he’s Maximus at the Coliseum or Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. For instance, on Martin Luther King Day,the then presidential candidate was campaigning in Jacksonville when he spotted some black kids in the parking lot. Being a politician, he ran up on them for the photo op. It was at this time he chose to show them that although he is a white multi-millionaire from Massachusetts, he still gets them y’know. He feels  ’em.  In a trancendent moment, unprompted, he broke into joyous song. Romney busted out a “WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHO? WHO?”  At this point, Obviously, these black people were ecstatic that here was a man who understood them so well, a dude who knew the issues that they were concerned about. Having already hit a home run, Romney took it up a notch. He went upto a baby, pointed at his wrist and said “Oh, I see he’s got a little bling-bling too.” ( *Later that day the expression “bling-bling” was found dead and T-shirts with the saying were being shipped en masse to Nicaraugua.) The proud mother told the would be prez “This is Michael” to which Mitt replied with his lightning wit “That’s Michael Jordan, Yeah!” Ooh Romney, you are a smooth one, you must be down!  
             Despite these examples, my favorite Romney moment was when he was campaigning in Wyoming or Iowa. He was cooking up some food on a grill, expertly playing the role of the everyman and he had the crowd eating out of his hands, literally and figuratively. Then, it happened. Mitt’s normally strong, steady, surgeon-like hands failed him and he dropped a piece of meat onto the ground while he was flipping it over on the grill. This was what happened in his mind in the next few seconds.
“Damnit. Damnit. Shoot! I think they saw me do that. Of course they saw that, they’re all here to see me! Oh man, this cameraman is looking right at me. Man, I better just leave it down there and pretend I didn’t notice. Nah, then these farming folks are gonna think i’m some spoilt big city bah-ston millionaire. Screw that. I wonder if they know about the 3 second rule.. do they have that rule out here?..hmmm…now it’s definitely been longer than that… Whatever, I’m just gonna pick it up like nothing happened.”
And so he did!
 He really did and it was awesome. He just picked that meat off the stage and put it back on that grill like that was the plan the whole time, “Huh? Oh yeah, I do that all the time. Gives it some extra flavor  y’know!” Well, he didn’t say that but I’m sure he would’ve if someone asked him about it. (It would’ve been cool if George Foreman called him out. George Foreman should regulate grilling across the U.S)

        Sadly, Mitt Romney wound up putting aside his presidential dreams. It’s true. It was a shame because despite his chances of winning the nomination being slim to none and slim just left town, Mitt Romney didn’t quit because it was the obvious thing to do or because he had embarassed himself enough already. He was forced to quit because he loves America and he wanted to protect us all from terrorists. Basically, the terrorists stole Mitt’s dream of becoming president because if a democrat becomes president, those damn terrorists have won. In one final nonsensical speech, Romney slam dunks it so nasty that MJ woulda been proud. Thanks for the memories Mitt. If Barack doesn’t get in, I hope you do. You so crazy.


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